Why Do All Good Things Come to an End?

Most of us have experienced them and know how hard they are. Breakups. Regardless of if you were broken up with, initiated the break up, or even if it was a mutual decision, the fact that you are losing one of the most important people in your life always hurts. So much used to be shared: the little and the big moments, the ups and the downs, deep trust, and the biggest fears, the whole life. All of that comes to an end with the words ‘I think this doesn’t work anymore.’ What follows is a time of change. Grieving what is gone, reminiscing about the good times that were shared, accompanied by a feeling of emptiness that comes with loss of a part of our identity. These negative emotions are paired with an uncertainty about what comes next. Although this uncertainty can enhance anxiety and insecurity, within it lies something waiting to unfold: excitement and anticipation. A feeling that reminds us that maybe the end of a relationship is not only negative after all?

To understand the consequences of a breakup, let’s take a look at the Social Determination theory (SDT; Ryan & Deci, 2017). According to the SDT, behaviour is motivated by three basic needs: (1) competence, feeling able to fulfil tasks and being successful at it, (2) autonomy, feeling independent and having the choice to do a task, and (3) relatedness, feeling connected to and supported by others. When these needs are satisfied individuals can experience optimal growth and show increased well-being (Lataster et al., 2022). Sadly, we experience a disruption in our needs after splitting up with our significant other. 

Oftentimes a breakup is associated with low self-esteem (Luicano & Orth, 2017), something that undermines our perceived competence. When we are left by our partner, we start to feel stupid for all the things we have said and done and doubt our own competence. Why did they not love me? What did I do wrong?  I am not good enough. But self-esteem is also attacked when someone decides to end a relationship. Being haunted by guilt of ending something that used to be so beautiful and hurting someone who truly cares about us can create a self-image of someone who is a bad person, unable to love.

Most obviously our need for relatedness is compromised following a breakup. According to the philosopher Erich Fromm, people’s main aim in life is to seek unity with others to overcome isolation. A relationship that is signified by effortless giving and receiving satisfies this need, whereas things like sex and drugs only temporarily serve this need (Fromm, 2000). This is backed up by research which states that seeking deep, ongoing connections is one of the main purposes in human life (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). A committed romantic relationship fulfils this purpose best as we can fully immerse in the life of our partner. Consequently, the partner becomes an inevitable part of our self concept and with a breakup, a part of us breaks away with the ending of the relationship. This loss of identity and change in our self concept can cause distress and heighten our anxiety levels (Slotter et al., 2010). Who would not be stressed out? In a world of hookups and short-lived relationships it is scary to find meaningful connections again. Even more so when we do not know what we want and who we are anymore.

It makes intuitive sense that a breakup is not associated with satisfactory outcomes. Nonetheless, oftentimes the positive outcomes of a breakup are overlooked. Uncertainty may trigger fear, but at the same time it also entails the start of something new and a feeling of liberation. After all, it is still possible to experience satisfaction of needs in disruptive times such as separation and with that self-growth and happiness. 

As previously discussed, we sacrifice security when breaking up, but with that we inevitably gain autonomy. A relationship always comes with compromises to please the other person (Ben-Ze’ev, 2010). Although these intentions are good and wanted, priorities naturally shift after a breakup, from our partner back to ourselves. We do not have to care for our partner’s wishes and values in order to be happy. Finally you do not need to watch that series, you can go on that vacation with your high school friend without feeling guilty about spending all summer without your significant other, or you are not being side eyed by your partner anymore for ordering the non-vegan option on the menu. All these decisions we make are completely ours. 

Shifting our attention towards creating a new self-concept also helps in increasing competence. Initially the idea of losing parts of ourselves is frightening, but at the same time it entails so much potential, allowing us to become the person we actually want to be. There is more time to focus on things we are actually passionate about like starting a new hobby, focusing on our career, and figuring out what we want in life. Maybe the idea of settling down and starting a family was not your wish after all, but rather a result of the circumstances and obligations created around your relationship? By setting new goals and achieving new things our self-esteem may be restored and thereby our need for competence (Lwandowski Jr & Bizzoco, 2007). 

At last, the end of a relationship always entails the beginning of new ones. While relatedness may be threatened by losing our partner, it can ultimately be restored by other meaningful connections. During a monogamous relationship we often hold ourselves back from making new or deeper connections with others. It would feel wrong towards our partner since we do not want to hurt them by taking away their relational supremacy. In singlehood no one judges us for how long or in which way we connect with others and often these moments result in worthwhile relationships (Apostolou & Christoforou, 2022). The love that is gone may not only be directed towards new but also other already existing relationships fostering relatedness towards friends and family. For instance, self disclosure to our loved ones about our heartbreak can intensify the relationship by feeling understood and it shows who is really there to support us in difficult times (Derlega et al., 1993).

Ideally, a healthy relationship should not undermine any of the three basic needs and personal happiness can be achieved, regardless of being alone or with someone. But at times things get rough and truly do not work anymore. If that happens, although it will accelerate the immediate pain, a breakup may be the best in the long run. Continuing the relationship would simply be wrong. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate that, and to let go of a connection once so right. It will hurt and it will take time but eventually we forget and become free to figure out what we want and what truly makes us happy. Though contradictory, grief and growth can coexist. There are always two sides to a breakup. Missing what was lost but also awaiting what comes next. Most importantly there is an answer to the question: “Why do all good things come to an end?” Because better things are coming.