Love Deficiency

According to Welwood and Francisco (1985), unconditional love resonates with the unconditional goodness within others. And this unconditionality is not exclusive to romantic love; it encompasses all types of bonds and comes in various forms: your parents always supporting your dreams despite occasional quips, your siblings forgiving you for arguments, or your friends choosing to support you regardless of their own beliefs. We all seek to be loved and understood despite our personal flaws, and this need drives us to love others unconditionally. However, we fail to apply unconditional love to ourselves: instead, we fall into downward spirals, berating ourselves for tiny mistakes, while we would console others if they had done the same. What makes it so difficult for us to treat ourselves kindly, no matter the circumstances? We take pride in being able to love others unconditionally yet we falter when it comes to ourselves, placing limits on self-love. 

Self-love is a complex concept, closely related to the facets of self-contact, self-acceptance and self-care. This triad wholly explains self-love: attention, peace and care for oneself, respectively. Thus, individuals who are able to fulfil these needs have higher levels on the trio of self-related concepts and overall, greater levels of self-love (Henschke & Sedlmeier, 2021). Self-love is highly important as it aids individuals in understanding themselves, by setting better boundaries and learning to be more assertive. Without self-love, people often fall victim to vicious cycles of abuse and mistreatment as they fail to recognise their own worth or take decisions that only improve the lives of others’ whilst sabotaging their personal needs and wants by deeming them as ‘less-important’ (Martin, 2019).

Self-love is moderated by self-compassion and self-esteem (Henschke & Sedlmeier, 2021). Low self-esteem leads to feelings of worthlessness, making individuals feel like they don’t ‘deserve’ to be loved (Welwood & Francisco, 1985). The relationship between self-worth and self-love is a precarious one, often clouding individuals’ judgements about themselves; in some cases, giving rise to imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome delineates a feeling of constant inadequacy and a debilitating fear of being exposed as incompetent, or a ‘fraud,’ despite contradictory evidence (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2023). Low self-esteem and imposter syndrome have a bidirectional relationship: the presence of this syndrome negatively impacts self-esteem, while low self-esteem increases the incidence of imposter syndrome (Schubert & Bowker, 2017). Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are contributing factors to a negative self-image, which diminishes self-love; but by adding imposter syndrome to the mix, feelings of fraudulency and a lack of credibility overwhelm the mind and soul. These antagonistic emotions lead to a negative self-perception and cause us to place certain expectations on ourselves to accept, care and love ourselves. For instance, many individuals with imposter syndrome report feelings of competency and increased self-esteem solely in relation to good academic achievements (Alghamdi et al., 2023). In this way, we deprive ourselves of love when we are unable to meet our own unrealistic expectations and conditions. 

Societal standards also play a role in our lack of unconditional self-love. In the 21st century, the landscape is riddled with complexity and choices about mundane things only seem to grow each day. As our options increase, the barrage of unwanted opinions about the choices we do make also increases. Every day, we are put under immense pressure to make the ‘perfect’ choice, whether that be for your career, your love life or even choosing which coffee to order. The need to cater to society and its unreasonable standards leads to people who are overly-detailed and tiringly perfectionistic. For instance, studies have shown that parents who only offer love and affection when their child achieves something (conditional regard) raise children with high levels of self-critical perfectionism (Curran et al., 2017). In addition, perfectionism is associated with greater depressive symptoms (Sturman et al., 2008) and lower levels of self-actualization, meaning that perfectionistic individuals’ obsession with success prevents them from trying new things and living up to their full potential (Flett et al., 1991). However, these perfectionistic tendencies may be alleviated by self-esteem – people with high self-esteem and perfectionism manage to reach a tolerable balance of personal growth and decay.

Although this poses a potential solution, there is a key problem: our societal structure is combative towards producing individuals with high self-esteem and hence, self-love. Today, we live in a capitalistic society which is inherently individualistic and competitive leading to an ‘every man for themselves’ mindset where everyone is stuck in a ‘rat race.’ The rat race implies that millions of humans scutter around, trying to be the first ones to reach the finish line, i.e., collect enough socially-acceptable achievements to be deemed ‘successful.’ For example, emphasis is placed upon students to achieve top grades, especially in Asian or Middle-Eastern families as seen in this study by Alghamdi et al. (2023) which demonstrated that improved GPAs positively influenced self-esteem in Saudi Arabian students. Moreover, competition is only furthered by the abundance of social media sites where people pose as influencers and flaunt their ideal, problem-free lives. We are once again stuck in a cycle of constant comparison which leads to lowered self-worth and a barrage of unrealistic standards that cannot possibly be met, even if you are Beyonce. 

So, how can you break free? The only antidote is to foster a sense of community and acceptance so people embrace failure and stop defining themselves based on material possessions and achievements on a piece of paper (Greenspon, 2014). However, societal change takes a long time so it is also worth your own time and effort to change things, even if it is only for yourself. It is a slow and tiring process to become less conditional in your self-love: you have to make the conscious decision to do so everyday. Surround yourself with people you care about, stop the incessant Instagram stalking of people touring Hawaii and spend time occupying yourself with hobbies. It doesn’t have to be complicated unless you make it so. Remember, offer yourself the same kindness you wholeheartedly surrender to others and life will be a bit better, for your own heart and soul. <<