Confession : Risking Vulnerability for Sacred Connection

In the mind of many, confession may be the expression of shame, as the Oxford dictionary defines it, “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour’’. But why is shame linked to confession? 

Shame arises when people believe to have committed immoral actions, and in the case of Christianity, many actions are frowned upon, and are considered ‘‘sinful’’. The relationship with morality in many faiths is often stricter – people hold themselves to a high moral standard to adhere to their beliefs (in this case, Christians carry certain morals to be closer to the figure of Christ). The paradigm of moral guidelines that Christians are supposed to follow are the 10 commandments (Exodus 20). These commandments include both commonsensical orders like ‘‘you shall not muder’’ and perhaps more incongruous orders like ‘‘you shall not commit adultery’’, where nowadays, marriage is losing popularity and casual relationships are the norm. Additionally, Christianity supposes that humans are perpetual sinners. This notion of sin carries heavy negative connotations, which can make it psychologically burdensome. Such teachings may explain the persistent feelings of guilt and shame experienced by many Christians, even when they are relatively innocent (whatever innocence may mean). In environments that emphasize strict moral values, guilt can arise frequently and deeply. What are the broader implications of such guilt and shame in this context?

Horowitz (1956), argues that guilt may lead to self-hostility, a phenomenon in which persons are unable to detach themselves from their “immoral’’actions. Their guilt becomes inseparable from their daily lives, following their every action, they feel responsible and they experience inner conflict. They may ask themselves: am I still a good person despite having committed bad acts ? Can I move on with my life while still being held accountable for what I have done ? This is known as rumination, a cycle of negative thinking. From this continuous questioning, persons truly suffer from a negative self image, and at its climax, may seek a form of closure : confession. In Christianity, confession provides an answer to these questions as they believe in grace : ‘‘ the free and unmerited favour of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners ’’. Confession is seen as a way to draw closer to God’s grace, because it is a merciful act, something that can be forgiven. Christians believe that regardless of the sin committed, forgiveness will be offered by God’s grace. Thus, through verbal confession, Christians believe that guilt and self-hostility can be alleviated. 

However, guilt may not always be the singular drive towards confession. Persons who do not feel guilty are unlikely to confess unless coerced (picture criminals in court). Confession should be voluntary and could stem from more positive places, like a desire to feel connected. So a new question is raised: Are there other ways to surpass shame other than through confession? 

Dr Renée Brown, an expert in social work, has conducted extensive research about vulnerability and shame. In her words, shame is the deep embedded fear of losing connections. It is the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection-  a fear of vulnerability. But how is vulnerability the answer to shame? 

Brown asserts that vulnerability is key to live like the “whole hearted’’, in other words, to achieve a sense of belonging. Vulnerability is necessary in order to connect with people intimately, whether it is in friendships, or life-long partners. It is the intimate connections that bring us love, a sense of worthiness and of belonging. Indeed, vulnerability promotes trust and intimacy (think about the meltdowns in the arms of your best friend – an intense bonding experience). By admitting flaws and wrongdoings people can reduce the mental burden of secrecy and gain relief from shame. From these moments, relationships are able to grow stronger and more resilient. Sharing vulnerable information is the foundation for building deeper connections. However, vulnerability isn’t the only path to living as the “wholehearted.” As Brown explains, “those who have a sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love.” In other words, believing you are inherently worthy should precede the worth you credit to others. Similarly, another constraint to living like the “wholehearted’’ is to accept that we must be vulnerable to make meaningful connections. Oftentimes, people neglect vulnerability to avoid getting emotionally hurt, yet, it is impossible to selectively numb emotions. This could lead to a phenomenon known as repression, a defence mechanism that attempts to restrain psychological distress. Someone who experiences repression, may claim that they do not feel any negative feelings, but their body is still experiencing the physiological symptoms. So, attempting to numb emotion is not a sustainable answer. In parallel, attempting to numb vulnerability is numbing connection. Therefore, it is necessary to be vulnerable in order to foster connection.

To link this back to Christianity, confession is undoubtedly a vulnerable act. It involves openly sharing sins or struggles with God and, in some cases, trusting others of the Christian community, such as pastors, mentors, or fellow believers, to guide in spiritual growth. So, additionally to alleviating shame and guilt, it could also serve as an important vector for connection, worthiness and love. But is confession necessary in Christianity? 

Thoughts from my dear friend J.P (a devout Christian)

‘‘Confession is a critical element of Christianity. Not necessary, but very important.

It exposes hidden sins and patterns in our hearts that need healing. Without confession, we carry our sins alone, missing the gift of community that God has given us: a group of believers to help us work through sin, offer acceptance, and create a safe space where we can confess, heal, and grow together.

I’ve experienced God’s grace through confession. By bringing personal sins (like lust) into the light and confessing them to friends, I’ve found tremendous healing. The moment I started confessing, it felt like those struggles instantly lost half their weight. There’s something powerful about being honest and open with someone about your shortcomings.

In those moments of vulnerability, I experienced God’s grace through my friends, and I wouldn’t be the same person without it. If I’d kept those struggles to myself, trying to fix everything alone, I’d still be trapped in those patterns. Confession transformed what felt like a strictly personal problem, into an opportunity for growth, powered by the strength of community.’’

Confession is intrinsically linked to Chrisitianity because it may just be the centerpiece of a broader system. Christians confess because they believe they have sinned. And they believe to have sinned because they are Christians. However, confession is not solely about relieving shame and guilt. It is a vulnerable act that fosters connection, worthiness and love. Taking risks through vulnerability is essential to human connection, regardless of faith or beliefs. Whether it is through religious confession or other acts, vulnerability allows us to embrace our humanity and build meaningful relationships.