Ask the Expert: Couple’s Conflicts

Henk Jan Conradi’s (Clinical Psychology) answer:

Dear Bianca,

Thank you for your question. The prevalence of relational discord is high (approximately 20-30% of all couples) and is often fuelled by destructive conflicts between partners. As needs and life goals of partners do not always align, disagreements and conflicts will inevitably occur; in longstanding relationships as often as once a week. Because relationship problems have damaging consequences for partners and children involved, like mental and somatic health problems, it is important to intervene in an early stage. Problematic, however, is that disagreements easily escalate into destructive conflicts. Early research in the US showed that when one partner starts a discussion with, for instance, criticism, the odds are strikingly high that the other partner will react destructively by criticism, blaming, denial or withdrawal. The result is that an ordinary disagreement spirals down into a destructive conflict and that the partners experience a growing interpersonal distance. In our lab we observed similar patterns.

Fortunately, there are evidence-based couples’ interventions like Behavioural Couples Therapy (BCT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy Couples available (Rathgeber et al. 2019). Traditionally, BCT trains couples in more constructive communication, for example, formulating something you disagree about with your partner not as criticism, ‘As always your work is more important than I am’, but as a wish: ‘You would make me feel good when you join me today’. Partners will react more constructive to a wish than criticism, leading to positive interactions. Tip 1 is therefore: when relational issues arise, formulate these the way you want your partner to present them to you.

However, it is difficult to exclude, for instance, criticism from conversations because they often are fuelled by emotions such as frustration (when one feels unseen) or anxiety (when one doubts whether the partner is really interested in you). Therefore, EFCT focuses on the emotions behind destructive interaction behaviours. Understanding that, for example, fear of being rejected drives criticism helps to develop mutual understanding between partners. Partners may realize ‘She acts angry but feels anxious’ or ‘He withdraws from our discussion not because he is not interested, but because he is afraid of criticism and conflict’. Such understanding of partner behaviour helps de-escalation and allows room for constructive conversations resulting in more closeness. Therefore, tip 2 is to learn to look beyond the mere content of your partner’s message of frustration and try to detect the underlying needs of validation, support etc. and act upon these.

Henk Jan